You may have noticed the conspicuous absence of God in my postings. To me, it's a conspicuous absence, to you, maybe not. Maybe because to me, it signifies that my thoughts are not necessarily about God. And that bothers me.

I feel like my relationship with God has been flagging for a while now. And as that relationship gets more and more distant, the more stressed out, weary, and emotional I get. Poor Scott has had to bear the brunt of more than one emotional breakdown this week. To his credit, he is still dating me. But I am beleagured in more than one sense, and I am aware that amidst the fact that I am not sleeping well and eating poorly (that's another subject altogether, I'll get into that sometime, don't you worry), my spiritual health is not good right now.

I have not dedicated the time to personal devotions that I should have been in probably 6 months. 6 MONTHS!! That's crazy. Maybe even longer than that. I have no idea how I can still call myself a Christian with a track record like that (especially when this drought thing happens on a semi-regular basis in my life). I have friends who say, "once saved, always saved", and then I know there are some Christians who think that you have to be re-saved all the time, even every day. Me, I think that once saved, always saved, but your house in heaven gets smaller with every squandered moment away from God. Like there will be a giant condo building in Heaven, and God will be in the penthouse with the angels, and Mother Theresa and the Apostles will get kickin' pads on the next floor down, and people like me who have shoddy track records in Christianity will be in a garden condo with no views of the parties on the golden streets, only of the alleys filled with old heavenly milk cartons.

I think that God must be incredibly disappointed in me. After all, I have a lot of potential for Christ, even I know that. So why is it that I don't live up to that? Ever since I was a teenager, I had the idea that God was going to use me to change lives in incredible ways, ways that I couldn't even imagine. And now I'm living in this hum-drum life wondering what happened. I have a great life, don't get me wrong, I'm accomplishing what I want to accomplish, I have a great job, and I have great relationships, but I keep wondering where that whole, "Great Christian saving others for Christ" thing has gone. I still feel that way, like God created me to do something amazing, there is a longing to be that person deep in my heart. But to actually carry through with the discipline that I need to regularly do devotions or do things outside my comfort zone for Christ seems beyond me right now, and I have no idea how I have become the person that I have become. Is it because I have listened to the lies of Satan about my potential? Or is it just purely lazy stupidity? I think that it's the latter. (I always have to check with Scott to see if it's the former or the latter...which reinforces my point about lazy stupidity!) I need to do devotions whether I feel like it or not. Regardless of the fact that I'm so exhausted I can barely function these days. Because an investment in my relationship with Christ will manifest itself with peace, joy, and spiritual rest, which will energize me more than sleep will. So I will try. Honestly. I will try.