Acting

We all know that I'm dramatic. I exaggerate the crap out of stories, I love being in the spotlight, and I'm animated and emotionally charged when it comes to relaying the everyday drama of life to others. But that, of course, does not make me an actor. That just makes me slightly loony. Be that as it may, I am a good actor, somewhere down there, I know this. But I find that I have this ridiculous self-doubt about acting. I went to my drama group last night, and spent time talking to our producer/director, and she was talking about the talent of the women in our group, and I was once again reminded that I have to fight myself to believe that I am good enough to step onto any stage and do what I need to do to sell a character to the audience. It is a constant battle, one that I suspect rages among many artists, actors, and other creative types. That this work that I'm doing has merit, it is worthy, and it is good. There is another full-length play coming up in the spring, most likely. This past spring haunts me right now. Knowing that I absolutely rocked the audition, and was perfect for the part makes the fact that I was not cast an ever-present taunt in my head. It was a major blow to my confidence in my acting ability, and I have had a hard time recovering from that blow. Perhaps most providentially, the week after I didn't make the play, I had to be on stage for a relatively long monologue during a church service. I was badly shaken emotionally and unsure of myself as an actor, and I was fortunate to be working with a great director, my friend Tyler, and with Scott. Both of them reinforced my abilities over and over again, and let me play with the script until I found a bit of my footing again. Their confidence in me, and their complete belief that I would rock the monologue helped me walk out onto that stage that day. That monologue was one of my best moments ever, acting or otherwise. My fellow actor and friend Nancy said to me recently that that monologue is one of the best she's ever seen. I don't kid myself that it was award-worthy or even excellent, but it was good. I settled into the character and let her go, and she flew. And other people noticed. God is so good, that He allows us to find our way back onto the path with a little help from those He has placed around us. I am so thankful for the confidence that Tyler and Scott had in my abilities. They believed in me when I could not. And that faith helped me find myself again.

Interestingly, next weekend I am in my first skit in 6 months or so. I am nervous to step back on to that stage, and certainly don't feel prepared (we're still making script revisions, so I haven't started memorizing yet). This time, just like last time, I am in the skit with Scott and Tyler is directing. I am uneasy about the whole situation, but I know that these two guys will be my wingmen as I step onto that stage. And more than that, I know that this time, I need to believe in myself. It is time to stop hiding the gifts that God has given me, and trust that He knew what He was doing when He gave them to me. There is a spring play approaching, and I need to be ready, whether I'm in it or not. Faith is not about fear, but courage. And that voice, telling me I'm not good enough or that I shouldn't expect to be as good as "real actors", is not real, but a shadow of fear. It's time to step on stage and squash it. Batter up...or should I say, Actor up... It's time to fly...