And relax...

Tonight, my friend Gwen told me that I'm carrying a lot of tension in my shoulders while she gave me an impromptu massage after our drama team meeting. I find this less than surprising...but then again, Gwen understands that, too. She's right there with me.

The past month or so has been physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausting. The ministry that I lead at church has been in the midst of a discouraging and trying time, and it's taken a toll on my confidence in my own ability to lead and use my own gifts to serve God.

I have never been one to back down from a fight. I've been a bit of a contrarian my whole life. It's led to some pretty interesting arguments, and some entertaining moments (as I scrambled around to find logical backing for my irrational arguments). Scott has definitely had to withstand a barrage of emotional tirades in his time, and finally (FINALLY) I have found an equal in my debates, someone who gives as well as takes, and someone who isn't threatened in the least by my using my brain (or by me using crying as a way to avoid answering a question. He just waits til I stop crying and expects me to answer then!).

That being said, I'm not a big fan of Christians fighting in the church. I think it damages our witness in a major way. But yesterday, I got to thinking about why I believe that. Why should we, as Christians, portray things in the church as rosy? I understand that we are to be set apart, and "they will know we are Christians by our love, " etc. But the fact remains that love can be difficult, painful, and downright infuriating sometimes. So why would we, as imperfect humans, expect that we will not have disagreements inside the church? If we really love each other, and want to spur one another on toward God's will, then we are destined to step on each other's toes sometimes. It's about accountability, in being in relationship, we are going to clash sometimes.

This particular instance, however, has been particularly difficult, mostly because it's a major blow to the ministry team from an influence inside the church but outside our team, and it has set back our work and caused us to doubt our vision. It is difficult to find the good here, to be encouraged that our church's love for each other and work toward a common goal will triumph. Do I know that God will work, even through this? Definitely. But I'm in that in between place, where I'm waiting. I'm not good at waiting. I'm much better at arguing.

I'm learning to be still. And in the meantime, the tension is holding steady, right in between my shoulder blades. And my friend Gwen tried to massage it out tonight...God bless her. We carry each other through.