My movie life, la parte dos (part 2, you English speakers)

In my narcissistic movie (see previous post), I am a superheroine, a la Elektra, but a much better actress and without the man-chin of Jennifer Garner. I am able to look fabulous in a deep red vinyl-spandex combination, and my chest is significantly bigger than its current size, while still managing to stay out of the way when I am doing a complex martial-arts with nunchaku (which is actually how you spell the word "nunchucks" according to Merriam-Webster. I'm an enlightening superhero), that will tear your head to pieces if you annoy me. My superhero powers are the ability to be invisible, and to read minds, even zombie minds, in addition to my martial arts prowess, which is not superhero-y, just impressive. I have two superhero skills...it's my movie. You know what? I can fly, too. I love making my own movie.

Back to the story. My name is Firefly, in an ode to the fabulous yet underrated TV show, and the fact that I am going to be hard to miss in my red get up with my long red hair piled on top of my head. I will not have wings a la an actual firefly, this would be campy, nor will my butt light up (deep sigh from my male readers...) There will, of course, be a villainess. It has to be a woman. As much as I love the idea of kicking a man's butt in my movie, women are much more vicious and hard to topple. And because the idea of watching two women in tight clothes fight will bring a much bigger male audience to my movie. I'm an opportunist, really. It overtakes my feminist tendencies. If this is my movie, I want to make money.

There will be an actual, fabulous plot written by a fabulous screenwriter (a la my friend Emily Schwartz), which will somehow incorporate macabre misdeeds with dead bodies and medical experiments on behalf of our villainess, resulting in a weird zombie population that cannot be controlled or done away with by your average, everyday human. So they call Firefly via a signal shot into the sky (homage to the Thundercats), who works a day job as a timid receptionist with fabulous glasses, and she jumps into the janitor's closet at her work, whirls herself into Firefly, and then flies out the window to save the world from the zombies. No one can ever understand where their lovely receptionist Jane Friday goes for hours at a time, but everyone is panicked that they cannot access the bathroom key for the duration of her absence (homage to Betsy). Of course, there is a hot FedEx guy who visits Jane Friday every day, with the name of Mark Monday, and they often comment on the strange coincidence of their names, as they sneak to said janitor's closet for secret make-out sessions. (hey, what's a movie without some romance??) Mark Monday will be played by an unknown actor, a cross between Colin Firth (charm and British accent), and Josh Duhamel (hotness). Jane only has to push him out of the janitor's storage closet once, when she notices the Firefly signal high in the sky mid-makeout, to tranform into Firefly, but he is an understanding sort of guy.

Firefly eventually kills off a significant number of the evil, threatening zombies, and finds herself drawn into an epic battle with her nemesis, who is called Black Poison, and uses her skill with words, kicks, and nunchaku to kick the snot out of ol' B.P. until the evil one dies, slowly and dramatically, threatening to come back to get Firefly after death. This, of course, leaves the option open for a smashing sequel. Jane Friday returns calmly to her desk, much to the relief of office bladders everywhere, and resumes her flirting with Mark Monday. The movie ends with a closing scene of Jane packing up her belongings on a Friday at 5:00, sighing with relief at a long, hot bath at home, when she sees the Firefly signal in the sky. We know, as she does, that a superheroine's work is never done. Screen goes black, the end, bada bing, bada boom.

Who needs to write a movie about teenage angst and returning to your hometown when you can make this cinematic sparkler? Really. Zach Braff, watch and learn, buddy. Watch and learn. Or I'll bash you with my nunchaku...